Birth of a Mother (Part 6)

Part 6

Amusement Park

So, there I was, licking my wounds but feeling pretty grown up and wise now that I'd figured out how to get off that Carousel. I figured now I was smart enough to discern which path would lead me to marriage and motherhood. I thought I finally knew who I was and what I wanted and I was on a beeline straight toward getting it.

Ha, the folly of youth!

Where does one find a Carousel, after all? It's usually at the center of an Amusement Park. A place where there are faux Tunnels of Love with great big swan boats, Fun Houses with mirrors that distort every aspect of your body and rollercoasters guaranteed to get your adrenaline pumping and trick you into believing you're brave when you were safe the whole time.

That was me...Little Miss Brave. But it was a false bravado and everyone at the amusement park knew it but me.

So I may no longer have been going round and round running into the same men over and over but I was now in a fool's paradise running into men who also thought they were brave and thought they knew who they were and what they wanted.

I entered into relationships where the desperate need for both of us to feel loved and give love gave way to false promises and false hopes and talk of futures that couldn't possibly be.

And in the back of my mind, always, was that one guy who's words about wanting kids someday continually propelled me to keep looking for someone just like him.

It would take years to reallize that I had idealized that man and put him on a pedestal that no other man could possibly reach.

After getting burned out on the endless rides to nowhere I'd had enough. Maybe motherhood wasn't going to be in the cards. Maybe marriage was going to be out of the question. After all, look how I'd abused my own psyche, how I'd misused my God given body to fullfill the desires of my flesh and if I couldn't stand looking in the mirror how could I expect any man to ever look at the new me with forgiving eyes?

Luckily, I pushed through the mounting crowds until I saw the gate that led out of that amusement park the moment I realized I was no longer going to allow myself or my body to be anyone's amusement. I raced through that archway as hard and fast as I could till I came out on the other side.

And I emerged a new version of myself. One that wasn't created or tailored for some man's idealistic vision of what He wanted but the version that I found acceptable to me.

This was terrifying. What if no one liked me? What if I remained alone the rest of my life? I was terrified but excited and that's when I knew, stepping outside myself that at last I was truly Little Miss Brave.

And right around the corner, unbeknownst to me, all my questions were about to be answered by a man who I never would have expected to save me from myself and give me exactly what I had spent years dreaming of....Marriage, Motherhood, Self-Respect and a newfound sense of purpose.