She's Having My Baby

Part 9

She's Having My Baby

After suffering two miscarriages within months of each other the year before, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. Actually, I didn't really find out...i simply knew.

On the night of February 18, 2004 we created a little romantic ambience for our interlude. I wore an actual nightgown instead of sweats and flopped dramatically on the bed into what I thought was a most attractive pose but it induced laughter from both of us instead of overwhelming passion.

“Impregnate me, oh manly man!” I said seductively. (Ok, my seductive voice sounds more like an elephant with a cold.)

We were finally able to refer to pregnancy without being overcome by our losses. We still loved the babies who had not been born and would always feel hurt over their deaths but we were finally able to focus on the future with a positive attitude.

Making love, that night, wasn't all about getting pregnant. It was also about being close to each other. Pain from our losses had often pushed us apart without either of us acknowledging it. Finally, we were a true couple again, reconnecting on the most intimate of levels.

That night was successful on all fronts.

Two weeks later, with a “feeling” in my heart I took the earliest home pregnancy test one could buy.

I knew, immediately, that this pregnancy was going to be different because as I watched the fluid absorbing through the result window the two pink lines showed up quickly and very dark. I didn't have to wait the full three minutes. Before, the positive results were always so iffy after three minutes that I never knew for sure till ten minutes later.

Two hours after the positive result, I called my doctor's office as soon as it opened. As I would continually learn on this journey, nothing ever goes as planned and I learned that the doctor who had given me my first glimmer of hope for motherhood and had told me to contact him the moment I got pregnant again was no longer practicing Obstetrics. However, he was still at the practice and remembered me and called in the prescription for progesterone. It was very fortunate that I called him as soon as the office opened because within an hour I was already spotting. This had happened with my other pregnancies within days of finding out I was pregnant. I began to worry that nothing could save my baby...but I clung to hope. I used my first dose of progesterone that afternoon and by the next morning there was no more bleeding.

I was ecstatic! My husband, however, was very reserved. He said he was happy about the new baby but I didn't detect a hint of excitement in his voice. It really burst my bubble. I knew how excited he had been the first time we found out I was pregnant. He told all his coworkers within the first thirty minutes of my telling him. I know how hard it was for him to tell them several weeks later, that the baby was gone. Still, I found the fact that I had already stopped bleeding, very reassuring. He, however, refused to even talk about making preparations for the new arrival.

At seven weeks of pregnancy, I had my appointment to listen to the baby's heartbeat and see my baby with ultrasound. I had already been deemed at high risk for threatened miscarriage. That day, I lay on the examining table awaiting my new doctor's examination. For some reason, I was trembling. Dr. Smith (name changed out of respect for privacy- yes, I do believe in privacy, hard as that may be to believe) a very observant man, came over to my side and looked at me right in my tear filled eyes.

“What's wrong? Talk to me.”

Something about the way he asked made me want to open up to him. He wasn't old enough to be my father but he had a very paternal manner to him that was very comforting. I was reminded of how my dad used to rub my back and hum in my ear whenever I had and especially upsetting dream.

The doctor's voice sounded like that comforting hum to me.

So, I told him “I've already lost two pregnancies. I never heard their heartbeats because they were already too faint to be detected by your Doppler. I saw one heart beating faintly on a silent screen. I'm just so afraid I'll never get to hear my baby's heartbeat.”

He said, “ I can't promise you anything but the fact that you've been vomitting every day from morning sickness and you haven't bled since the day you started the progesterone, I'd say you're having a fairly normal pregnancy. Now, let's try to hear this little one's heartbeat.”

He placed the monitor on me. Within seconds, I heard the most amazing sound I'd ever heard up to that point...my baby's heartbeat. It was beating fast and strong and sounded like miniature galloping horses.

Dr. Smith smiled.

“Perfectly normal heart rate. Good and strong.”

I was smiling and crying and whispering “Oh, thank you God! Thank you God!”

I had come to the appointment alone because I knew Ian couldn't handle it if we had encountered bad news. I had even taken the day off from work because I was afraid of bad news myself and wouldn't want to face my coworkers.

I practically danced out the door into the parking lot and whipped out my cell phone as soon as I was clear of the building.

After one ring, Ian answered.

I didn't even give him a chance to ask. I was too excited. So, I just started blurting out my happiness.

“Ian, our baby is fine! It has a strong heartbeat! 145 beats per minute! Baby, this time is different. We're really having a baby!”

He didn't say anything. I was worried he hadn't heard me. I don't know how, I was shouting in the middle of the parking lot.

Then I heard his sigh of relief.

“Yes, we are!” he exclaimed