Way back in September of 1991, two months (an eternity in teenage life) before the infamous Knock-Down Drag Out incident, I was invited to go to Carri's house to watch a Simon & Garfunkel Live from Central Park concert on a video she'd borrowed from the library. So excited was I to be invited to this magical girl's home (I mean, she fairly sparkled like a Pixie and I certainly hadn't met anyone like her in my little town of Athens) that I dared not tell her I had no idea who Simon and Garfunkel were. I was raised on Loretta Lynn, Kenny Rogers, and the inimitable Barry Mannilow (all from my parents 8 Tracks)
Friday afternoon comes along and I find myself in the living room in awe of the big remote controls (more than one, wow!) and the fact that someone I knew had SATELLITE! I was dying to watch the MTV I'd heard all about and finally SEE the hitmakers I'd only heard on the radio. But alas, I would have to wait. It was S & G time.
Carri was rapt while explaining to me that this was their first reunion or last reunion or who knows, I wasn't really paying attention, I couldn't stop looking around the Pixie's home. I must explain that I'd been pretty introverted up to that point and hadn't had many friends, I was usually a third wheel. So here I was, she liked me enough to share something with me!
The music began to play and I thought, oh...not so sure about this stuff. How long was this concert? I started to ask and she said, "Just watch, shhhh."
Uh-oh, I was already annoying her, I thought in my fourteen year old mind. It was two hours of silence, well except for The Sound of Silence song and others they were singing. I kind of liked the music and I had all these comments and questions building up in my head and I was about to bubble over but I had to keep quiet. At last the video was over and I could start my chain of questions. As I opened my mouth to speak, Carri turned to me and said, "Isn't it so nice that we can just sit here without speaking and just BE?" What did I have to say about that?
"Yeah."
I finally admitted to her just two days ago, that when it comes to being on the phone or in a room with a friend, I don't really care to sit in silence. I am a Chatty Kathy and I love hearing other people talk and tell stories and sing out loud. I think I told her about the relief I felt that night as we were listening to the stereo in her room, not talking just BEING, when her Grammy came in and started telling us a story (to teach us to be greatful for the things we have) about how, when she was our age, she earned money by cutting the toenails of an elderly man...thick, crusty nasty toes that required two hands to operate the clippers. She got a penny a toe and a little something extra if she cleaned the toe-jam from between his toes. We were rolling on the floor laughing.
All this happened before Dr. Phil taught us about being our authentic self, before Dr. Laura taught us about taking care of our relationships, before we started reading self-help books in place of Anne of Green Gables. It's been a learning, beautiful, funny, moving journey that I feel the need to share, not exploit, because I want everyone to value and appreciate friends who may think they don't have enough in common to put forth an effort to maintain them. Maybe you have a friend you've stopped speaking to or who has stopped speaking to you because of some difference you think is too great but is really a judgement one or the other of you has made without understanding and empathy. That's happened to my friend and I on two separate occasions. The first time was my doing and I had to find the courage to pick up the phone and admit I was wrong. The second time it was her and I thought I'd never hear from her again but she picked up the phone one night and since then we've vowed to not judge any more...to be forthright when we have differences. It's made all the difference in the world.
The silence of a lost friendship is never peaceful.
