Dear Carri,
It's almost that time again and you've been on my mind for weeks now. I still miss you as much as I did the day you passed on. Actually, I miss you more. Four years ago, I had no idea what life would be like without your voice, your intelligence, your advice and your Presence. I thought time would make it easier, somehow, but it hasn't. I've tried making new friends, even convinced myself that I could be a good friend to someone who might be as lonely as me but I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not in that place yet. So, what do I do?
I focus on the kids, of course. I've made them my whole Universe. Carri was supposed to start Pre-K this year but had an issue of chronic constipation that kept her out. That's just as well- I wasn't ready to be home alone yet anyway.
Oh, in case you were cloud hopping a couple months ago, I had a Nervous Breakdown. For real. A genuine, actual nervous breakdown. I'd been spiraling towards it for months but kept going to the Dr who kept throwing pharmaceutical samples at the problem. It turns out that the last medication was actually toxic to my brain (the psychiatrist's wording) and made the depression worse than anything I've ever experienced in twenty years.
Carri, I wanted to talk to you so much. I listened to your voicemail over and over hoping that there was some secret clue buried in the 30 second message that would tell me how to heal myself.
Ian ended up asking his Mom from TN to come stay with us for a couple weeks to help with the kids while my brain detoxified from the anti-depressant and a new therapist worked with me. I haven't been to church in months. The kids really want to go again so I feel like I'm depriving them but it's just so hard to sit in a pew and listen to how God "allows" things to happen. He doesn't "cause" them.
Oh, guess what I watched for the very first time? The Scarlet Letter. (The one with Demi Moore.) Man, were those Puritans harsh!
Later that week, I watched a two hour filmography on the Kennedy's personal films. Remember Ethel? Bobby's wife? The one with the ELEVEN kids? Turns out she was a lousy housekeeper but everyone loved being around her because she tried to keep things fun. I used to wish I could be like Jackie-all poised, well-read and discreet. Now, I think I'll strive to be Ethel. I've already got the housekeeping thing down.
Remember when a letter like this was part of our everyday routine? Even when we got old enough to call each other whenever we wanted I still treasured every piece of precious mail from you.
You're probably wondering how the families are doing. Well, Mom and Dad FINALLY sold their house in SC and will be moving with their 16 goats to Athens, ME in the spring. Damon got married two years ago to a wonderful redhead that I adore. Robert and Samantha have their own place with little Mikey. My Tommy is starting to outgrow his facial tics and he is set to audition for Chorus next week. It's the first extracurricular activity he's really shown an interest in. Ava is just like me. (Lord, help us all!) Actually, she's a lot nicer. She has a best friend and they talk on the phone everyday. Remember when we only got to talk every other Saturday for 20 minutes? And then there's my baby. My Carri. I say her name countless times a day and I'm reminded of you in each of those seconds. She is a brown haired, brown eyed beauty and captures the heart of all who meet her. She's not afraid to sing and dance in front of people.
Life has gone on but it has changed so much without you here. I can't say how much I miss you when I know there are others who do as much and even more.
I miss you, my friend. I love you.
Till next time, I remain
Your loyal Supreme Ruler of the Blondes of the Universe
