I dreamt of Carri last night.
This isn't an unusual occurrence. It's happened a lot in the almost two years since she passed away. Usually, though, I spend the dreams running around chasing after a cure for her cancer that some unheard of doctor in a top-secret location has in his possession. Always, she is there sitting in a chair or lying in a bed ...waiting for her cure, counting on me to keep my word that I won't let her down...that no matter what, I won't let her die.
Throughout those dreams I am always aware that time is running out, that I really should just get back to her bedside and talk to her, tell her "I love you" as many times as I can get the words out but I just can't make myself stop looking for that cure...because, even in my dreams, I know that saying goodbye is impossible and unbearable and I'm just not strong enough.
But last night's dream was different and I'd like to share it with you.
First, though, I need to share with you the prayer of thanks I sent to God yesterday morning. A prayer that literally had me on my knees, eyes clenched shut and hands grasping each other so tightly I'm sure my knuckles were white.
For those of you who were friends of Carri's and welcomed me into your lives because you loved her and trusted her judgement and her capacity to love so many who are so different in many ways, I hope you'll continue reading without pre-judging that this is a "Holy Roller" (as my grandmother used to call Church folks) trying to convert non-believers kind of article.
I think I've mentioned before that when Carri and I met at the age of 13 she was living with her religious Grammie and her Grampy (I don't know how religious he was at the time, Grammie did most of the talking. :) ) The first words Carri and I ever exchanged on our first day of high school waiting for First Period bell went like this:
"Hi, I'm Tanya. (I hold up the horoscope section of the newspaper) I'm a Scorpio. What's your sign? I'll read you your horoscope."
"Hi, I'm Carri. Do NOT read my horoscope. My grandmother says horoscopes are evil. Only God knows the future."
My jaw dropped. I had thought it was a fun way to get a conversation started with the quiet girl and I had just gotten rebuked. She saw the look on my face though and immediately said, "I don't think they're evil, I'd just rather not take a chance in case Grammie's right."
A few weeks later, she invited me to spend the night at her house. Here is how my first exchange went with Grammie:
"Hi, Mrs...?"
"You can call me Grammie, dear." (What a sweet old lady, this was going to be great!)
"Hi, Grammie. I'm Tanya. Thanks so much for letting me come over."
"You're welcome, dear. Come into the living room so we can get to know each other better."
(Follow her to the living room)
"Now, tell me Tanya. Have you been Saved?"
Um, Saved? What was she talking about?
"Have you accepted the Lord as your Savior?"
"I watch the Jim and Tammy Faye Baker PTL show every morning before school while I'm getting dressed. Does that count?"
"If you want to be friends with Carri, you must accept Jesus Christ."
I looked over at Carri standing sheepishly in the doorway of the living room. Behind her grandmother's head she nodded a silent "just do it". After all, we had things to do like listening to music and talking about cute boys.
Grammie said a short prayer while I was on my knees and asked me again "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"
"Yes, I do."
With a smile and a big hug she sent us off to Carri's room.
Once there, I asked Carri if I had really just been Saved. She asked me if I felt any different or if I'd seen anything during the prayer. I had to admit that no, I hadn't. That's when she told me about her experience. It would be many years later before I would understand and relate to what she told me next.
She said that when she was Saved, as a prayer was being spoken over her, she saw a flame, a bright, steady flame behind her closed eyes and that the flame grew taller, brighter and warmer as it worked it's way across the darkness of her eyes and into her heart. She said she knew that it was the Holy Spirit and that it now lived in her heart.
We go through so many changes as we get older and grow. Some folks start out as Atheists, Agnostics, Baptists, Catholics, Buddhists, etc and convert to other denominations or religions or stop believing alltogether.
I'm telling you this because, as most of you know, when Carri died she was a Quaker. I didn't understand a lot about Quakers and I only went to one of their silent meetings with her but the people I met there were amazing and loving and they took care of Carri all through her battle with breast cancer and they prayed for her continuously. Carri was also cared for by a beautiful Sikh woman who quietly prayed for her healing as well. The Priest (I'm not sure if he was Catholic- he was definitely Irish, such a lovely accent he had) who married Carri to her husband also said many prayers for her and was there in her final days to counsel her and comfort her. A young Native American woman who Carri met only briefly one spring day also chanted to her Spirits a prayer of healing. Her pagan friends offered up their prayers as well.
When all of our prayers still didn't lead to the answer we had all fervently hoped for I almost gave up on God. I got mad. Madder than I've ever been. I went into self-destruct mode and drank steadily every night for months. Did lots of Drunk Facebooking (BAD BAD BAD IDEA) The thought that I'd never see her again was beyond unbearable. If I hadn't had my children and husband to need me so desperately, I think I would've given up alltogether and said, "What matters now? What's the point? The only person I could talk to about everything is gone. The only person I ever needed in my life to keep me balanced and tell me when I was crazy was gone. The only person I could count on through thick and thin, fights and victories was gone." She was my Sister. My compass. The only person who never abandoned me.
I promised I'd tell you about the dream last night and I swear, I'm getting there. There's just a little more you need to hear. (It's been months since I wrote on this blog so I'm having to fill you in on all the changes to get to the point-which, if you're still reading, you're probably wondering if there really is one.)
I got a call from Tommy's kindergarten teacher four months after Carri died inviting us to Vacation Bible School. She's not the kind of person I can easily say no to. Why not? So I took him for a week and started meeting the folks at the church.
Then we started going on Sundays. Then on Wednesday nights for the youth activities so the kids would all have someplace new and fun and safe to go.
I was still mad at God. Oh, so mad!
Turns out, to be mad at someone or something, it has to EXIST, at least in your own realm. So, there it was, I was mad at God and God exists. What the heck was I supposed to do with this now? Alright, God, I thought, fine, you're real. You're up there. You're all powerful. And you let her die...
Now, I want some answers!
I have gotten a lot of answers. Not all of them are to my human heart's liking. I still think I could've learned some of these lessons without losing her but I think the greatest reward I've gotten so far is the Peace that passes all understanding because at last, I'm not filled with rage and hate anymore. I realize now that, for me, Carri was like God. I counted on her to help me with every decision I made. I consulted her about how to be a better mom, wife, friend, cook (yes, the dear woman talked me through making gravy on the phone). I didn't take many steps in my life without getting her opinion. When my marriage hit rough spots, it was her I went to for advice on how to save it. There was nothing on this earth I wouldn't have done for her. I would've laid down my life for her in a heartbeat. I would've laid in a box with four thousand cockroaches and spiders crawling all over me if it would have saved her life. I would have sacrificed everything because I have never loved anyone (other than my children and their father) as completely as I loved her. In other word, everything God would want us to do for him, I was willing to do for her.
Last year, (I suppose a really good Christian would remember the exact day and month year) during a worship service I finally got to experience my own Flame experience. Without knowing it was about to happen, I set my hymnal down and walked...my legs filled with a power that didn't come from me, towards the minister. My eyes were wide open and I didn't see a flame moving into my heart but I felt as if I were weightless and in my heart there was a warmth and I knew that if I turned around, that in the balcony above and behind me I would see the Holy Spirit swooshing down to penetrate my finally, prepared and opened heart to receive Him. And unlike in the living room of Carri's grandmother, this time I DID feel different and I know what I saw with my heart. And I know He'll never let me go. The same way I know, He's never let Carri go.
I'm going to see her again, one day, and that fills me with such joy and anticipation.
This is the prayer of thanks I prayed yesterday:
"Dear Lord, I thank you for every day of my friendship with my sweet sister Carri. I thank you for letting her touch so many lives and for being the amazing person you perfected her to be. I miss her so much still but I thank you for every last second we were blessed with. I pray that you will bless every person, every child on this earth with the same kind of friend, the same pure loving friendship. The world will be a better place because of it."
I dreamt of Carri last night.
I wasn't running around looking for anything. She was right there. We were sitting at a table and we were talking. (I'm crying as I type this.) We were talking about all the things we didn't get a chance to say before she died. We were talking about everything that has happened since she died. She didn't say a lot with her words, although the sound of her voice was music to these ears who haven't heard it in so long, and I usually was the one who did the most talking. (That's not hard to believe, is it?) Mostly, she sat there looking at me with a smile on her face and held both my hands in hers. And when I begged her to forgive me for not being there the night she died she said "thank you for being here while I was alive." Now, some folks might say that dream was just my subconscious way of forgiving myself for not being there but if you knew Carri you'd know that's exactly what she would say to her wacky yet emotional friend. I believe, after my prayer to God yesterday, that He blessed me with one more visit with Carri. One last visit where I wouldn't have to wait till I'm in Heaven to hear her voice, feel her hug, and see her smile. I love you, Carri.
Dear God, thank you for loving me!
Tanya
