Thursday, June 27, 2013
Lifelines and Laughter: Carri, Hummus, Zumba and What the heck else can I ...
Lifelines and Laughter: Carri, Hummus, Zumba and What the heck else can I ...: Carri's been with me a lot lately. I don't mean that I have been thinking about her a lot. I mean, She's. Been. Here. I'd b...
Carri, Hummus, Zumba and What the heck else can I call this Post?
Carri's been with me a lot lately. I don't mean that I have been thinking about her a lot. I mean, She's. Been. Here.
I'd been living my day to day life as normally as possible for the last year or so. I thought of her everyday but the pain wasn't as sharp as it had been the first year. You know what else wasn't as sharp? My memories. That feeling of connectedness with the part of my life that was defined by our friendship. I was, for the first time in over 20 years living my life ON MY OWN.
I am a mom so I'm never alone. I am married and even though he's either at work on second shift or asleep or helping out a friend or hanging with his buddies on the weekend I can still text him or call him or sometimes even run into him in the bathroom (he's so regular it's almost scary) so I do have an adult to talk to when I need one. I joined a church almost two years ago and I've met some wonderful ladies that I get to see every week and chat our lives on facebook once in a while but it's not the same. Oh, some of my life is still the same as it was when she was here.
I still can't make gravy from scratch.
I still hate making left hand turns at intersections without a green arrow.
I still have to sing that song "30 Days has September, April, June and November. When short February's done, all the rest have thirty-one" to know how many days till the next mortgage payment is due because my calendar is still buried under the bill pile on my desk.
I still have the Depression I was diagnosed with at nineteen.
I still have PTSD from the sexual assault that happened at 21.
Here's what's not the same:
I no longer listen to the last voicemail Carri left me before she was unable to hold a conversation (but I still haven't deleted it.)
I no longer think that I am a lousy cook even though I can't make gravy. I make a mean apple pie and none of my kids have starved to death yet.
I no longer have it in the back of my head that someday I'll have another Best Friend. I'm content to have a variety of Good Friends.
I no longer believe I have to do everything myself in order for it to be done right.
God has become such a Center in my life that I no longer feel alone. While others may use meditation, I use prayer. While others go to Temple, I go to Church. When others mock me, I love them.
After years of believing I could conquer depression(and after admitting that I had PTSD-something I had wholeheartedly denied) with diet, exercise, herbal supplements, self-help books and behavioral therapy I finally went to a doctor and got medication. And I wish I'd done it sooner. Because now my kids have a fully functioning mom. There are less hours with the TV on...less time on the video games. They are spending more time with me outside the house and outside our comfort zones. My friends (the ones I've made since after high school) are finally seeing the "real me" for the first time. The one who laughs on a regular basis, who doesn't care if anyone sees her lame moves on Zumba, who isn't afraid to lift her eyes up to meet a stranger's eyes or talk to someone new...the one who headbanged to Bohemian Rhapsody in the middle of my 9th grade physics class just because everyone seemed so bored and I wanted to literally, shake things up, a bit.
And my husband, my poor husband, who has only ever seen glimpses of "Real Tanya" since we met after I acquired all my baggage and my brain chemicals went all wackadoodle, said to me about two months ago "I finally have my wife back.."
I'd always done things the way I thought Carri would do them. When she was alive, you all know, I literally asked her HOW TO DO EVERYTHING...and then I'd do whatever she said. She believed in herbs and naturopaths and midwives and exercise and diet and I thought, since she was the smartest person I'd ever known that that was how to live life the Right way. Some of it worked for me and some of it didn't but I never wanted to admit when it didn't work. Like there was something really wrong with me if Her way didn't help me. If she were reading this now, I know she would be so upset to know that I had felt that way. She always said she couldn't understand why I thought she was smarter than me or more talented or why I thought she had all the answers. What a burden I placed on her shoulders under the guise of Best Friendship! I can't imagine that I reciprocated even a fraction of what she did for me and I hope I'm forgiven for that. I hope she knows I loved her the best I knew how at the time.
As I said in the beginning, She. Has. Been. Here.
Sounds crazy but she was with me at the grocery store. I bought Pita Chips and get this....hummus!!!! Me! Hummus!!! What?
Then I saw the most irresistible looking hunk of spiced Havarti cheese. What? No processed and sliced and neatly packaged processed yellow crap?
I had to have it...that yummy hunk of white and speckled smoothness from a local place wrapped in what really could have been Saran Wrap.
Did I mention Zumba? Carri went to a class with a friend of hers out there in Eugene and I'd never heard of the craziness before. Sounded insane to me. I used to dance in my room when I was a teenager to the radio or cassette tapes I recorded off the radio. Never in front of people. Like that Madonna song "At night I lock the door where no one else can see. I'm tired of dancing here all by myself. Tonight I want to dance with someone else. Get into the groove...." Okay, I have no childcare so I dance Zumba in my living room and I had forgotten how much fun dancing like no one's watching is. But I live right next to the railroad tracks and the railway fixer upper guys have been out here sweating in the South Carolina sun and maybe I should have closed my living room window blinds but something in me said that even if they caught a glimpse of me messing up every other step I was still the entertainment of the day (I always wanted to be an actress anyway.) whether I was making their heat index go up or making them laugh their cares away in the mid-day sun.
Carri did flash mobs even though she thought she had no rhythm and she sang karaoke in front of people even with stage fright. She fought cancer fiercely. And even though she died, she didn't lose. Cancer never took away her laugh, her courage, her love, her indomitable spirit. She's. Still. Here. And I'm certain she's not just still here with just me. I'm just the only one of them with a blog (as far as I know anyway.)
This body has borne three kids. It ain't perfect. I'm 36 and I don't turn heads the way I used to. But I once had a best friend. She knew everything there was to know about me and loved me anyway. Today, she's here to say "Tanya, it's time to be your own best friend. Love yourself anyway."
I don't have to listen to the last voice mail she left me because I know it by heart:
"Hi, it's me. It took me lots of steps to get from where I was to where I am...Happily. Ummmm, maybe you'll call me back today? Love you. Bye."
Well, Carri, it's taken me a LOT of steps to get from where I was to where I am now since you left this world. And now I understand why you used the word "happily".
I hope everyone who reads this understands that too...
Love and hugs, my angel friend...still teaching me lessons, still giving me more than I give you. I hope that keeping your memory alive will go a little way toward repaying you for all you've done for me. That's something I'll never stop doing.
I'd been living my day to day life as normally as possible for the last year or so. I thought of her everyday but the pain wasn't as sharp as it had been the first year. You know what else wasn't as sharp? My memories. That feeling of connectedness with the part of my life that was defined by our friendship. I was, for the first time in over 20 years living my life ON MY OWN.
I am a mom so I'm never alone. I am married and even though he's either at work on second shift or asleep or helping out a friend or hanging with his buddies on the weekend I can still text him or call him or sometimes even run into him in the bathroom (he's so regular it's almost scary) so I do have an adult to talk to when I need one. I joined a church almost two years ago and I've met some wonderful ladies that I get to see every week and chat our lives on facebook once in a while but it's not the same. Oh, some of my life is still the same as it was when she was here.
I still can't make gravy from scratch.
I still hate making left hand turns at intersections without a green arrow.
I still have to sing that song "30 Days has September, April, June and November. When short February's done, all the rest have thirty-one" to know how many days till the next mortgage payment is due because my calendar is still buried under the bill pile on my desk.
I still have the Depression I was diagnosed with at nineteen.
I still have PTSD from the sexual assault that happened at 21.
Here's what's not the same:
I no longer listen to the last voicemail Carri left me before she was unable to hold a conversation (but I still haven't deleted it.)
I no longer think that I am a lousy cook even though I can't make gravy. I make a mean apple pie and none of my kids have starved to death yet.
I no longer have it in the back of my head that someday I'll have another Best Friend. I'm content to have a variety of Good Friends.
I no longer believe I have to do everything myself in order for it to be done right.
God has become such a Center in my life that I no longer feel alone. While others may use meditation, I use prayer. While others go to Temple, I go to Church. When others mock me, I love them.
After years of believing I could conquer depression(and after admitting that I had PTSD-something I had wholeheartedly denied) with diet, exercise, herbal supplements, self-help books and behavioral therapy I finally went to a doctor and got medication. And I wish I'd done it sooner. Because now my kids have a fully functioning mom. There are less hours with the TV on...less time on the video games. They are spending more time with me outside the house and outside our comfort zones. My friends (the ones I've made since after high school) are finally seeing the "real me" for the first time. The one who laughs on a regular basis, who doesn't care if anyone sees her lame moves on Zumba, who isn't afraid to lift her eyes up to meet a stranger's eyes or talk to someone new...the one who headbanged to Bohemian Rhapsody in the middle of my 9th grade physics class just because everyone seemed so bored and I wanted to literally, shake things up, a bit.
And my husband, my poor husband, who has only ever seen glimpses of "Real Tanya" since we met after I acquired all my baggage and my brain chemicals went all wackadoodle, said to me about two months ago "I finally have my wife back.."
I'd always done things the way I thought Carri would do them. When she was alive, you all know, I literally asked her HOW TO DO EVERYTHING...and then I'd do whatever she said. She believed in herbs and naturopaths and midwives and exercise and diet and I thought, since she was the smartest person I'd ever known that that was how to live life the Right way. Some of it worked for me and some of it didn't but I never wanted to admit when it didn't work. Like there was something really wrong with me if Her way didn't help me. If she were reading this now, I know she would be so upset to know that I had felt that way. She always said she couldn't understand why I thought she was smarter than me or more talented or why I thought she had all the answers. What a burden I placed on her shoulders under the guise of Best Friendship! I can't imagine that I reciprocated even a fraction of what she did for me and I hope I'm forgiven for that. I hope she knows I loved her the best I knew how at the time.
As I said in the beginning, She. Has. Been. Here.
Sounds crazy but she was with me at the grocery store. I bought Pita Chips and get this....hummus!!!! Me! Hummus!!! What?
Then I saw the most irresistible looking hunk of spiced Havarti cheese. What? No processed and sliced and neatly packaged processed yellow crap?
I had to have it...that yummy hunk of white and speckled smoothness from a local place wrapped in what really could have been Saran Wrap.
Did I mention Zumba? Carri went to a class with a friend of hers out there in Eugene and I'd never heard of the craziness before. Sounded insane to me. I used to dance in my room when I was a teenager to the radio or cassette tapes I recorded off the radio. Never in front of people. Like that Madonna song "At night I lock the door where no one else can see. I'm tired of dancing here all by myself. Tonight I want to dance with someone else. Get into the groove...." Okay, I have no childcare so I dance Zumba in my living room and I had forgotten how much fun dancing like no one's watching is. But I live right next to the railroad tracks and the railway fixer upper guys have been out here sweating in the South Carolina sun and maybe I should have closed my living room window blinds but something in me said that even if they caught a glimpse of me messing up every other step I was still the entertainment of the day (I always wanted to be an actress anyway.) whether I was making their heat index go up or making them laugh their cares away in the mid-day sun.
Carri did flash mobs even though she thought she had no rhythm and she sang karaoke in front of people even with stage fright. She fought cancer fiercely. And even though she died, she didn't lose. Cancer never took away her laugh, her courage, her love, her indomitable spirit. She's. Still. Here. And I'm certain she's not just still here with just me. I'm just the only one of them with a blog (as far as I know anyway.)
This body has borne three kids. It ain't perfect. I'm 36 and I don't turn heads the way I used to. But I once had a best friend. She knew everything there was to know about me and loved me anyway. Today, she's here to say "Tanya, it's time to be your own best friend. Love yourself anyway."
I don't have to listen to the last voice mail she left me because I know it by heart:
"Hi, it's me. It took me lots of steps to get from where I was to where I am...Happily. Ummmm, maybe you'll call me back today? Love you. Bye."
Well, Carri, it's taken me a LOT of steps to get from where I was to where I am now since you left this world. And now I understand why you used the word "happily".
I hope everyone who reads this understands that too...
Love and hugs, my angel friend...still teaching me lessons, still giving me more than I give you. I hope that keeping your memory alive will go a little way toward repaying you for all you've done for me. That's something I'll never stop doing.
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