Valentine's Validation

"It was real, wasn't it? What we had?  Even if our individual friends had no idea we even knew each other let alone meant something to each other?" I asked him with downcast eyes. If he was going to lie to me I didn't want to see it. I simply couldn't look up at his face from my kneeling position. For the first time in my young life I had been brought to my knees by a feeling of inadequacy and fear.  Those few minutes, almost two decades ago were captured like a photograph in my mind. What he did or did not answer doesn't matter. The feeling is all I remember. To this day, that picture pops up in my mind at the most unusual times.
I know I wanted validation but it was more than that. I wanted to know that the 100 percent of my love given was reciprocated 100 percent as well. To think that he felt even one tenth less than I had felt was like a blow to the gut.
I think what bothers me most, now, is that it's another one of my life's unanswerable questions. Worse yet, as a "grown-up" with a whole other life I'm not supposed to wonder about these things in my "real" life.
In two days, Carri will have been gone for four years and I find myself asking the same question. "It was real, wasn't it? What we had was real and important and life affirming? Even if our other friends had no idea that we were best friends and shared a whole side of life no one really knew anything about?" I come across her cards and letters and pictures and when I look at them I remember and am validated.
I'm lonely today. It's Valentines Day and my husband vacuumed out my van.  But I really wish I could call Carri and get some inspiration for the weekend because right now it looks pretty bleak.  At least when she was here I could talk and joke over the phone and hang up feeling renewed.
I just looked up at my bookshelf. There's a handmade Valentine from Carri's oldest son when he was about five or six years old. Gold glitter on the front. My heart just smiled. Maybe the rest of me will follow suit if I just start remembering that no matter what anyone else's opinions might have been, yes, It was real. I have the letters, cards, memories and glitter to prove it.