In Her Wake...

Chapter 1

The black sports car sped up the interstate as Jay, wearing his trademark sunglasses and shirt and tie, with jacket casually thrown over the back of the passenger seat, turned to his favorite satellite radio station where the fading sounds of a jazz song changed to a more upbeat brass favorite. A smile broke out on his lips as he remembered the once chic jazz cafe he had frequented on the weekends all through college. Sometimes, he was lucky enough to get to play a set and he found sublime joy in the moods that music brought about in the audience and reverberated back to him. His trumpet, put away until just recently, had been a natural extension of his own frame then. Back then he never could have foreseen how his life would turn out like one of those songs he'd rehearsed over and over, carefully hitting every note, playing repeatedly till it was pure perfection. That was how Jay liked things. Neat and perfect.

Far from the nerdy artist type, you'd never know about that particular passion. With an athletic build and dark tan courtesy of growing up in the sunny south, he seemed to be an easygoing guy. Along with his sunglasses, his quick smile and casual attitude hid his insecurity and need for perfection. But that had all been blown out of the water by the contents of the envelope sitting on the seat next to him.

It was postmarked six years earlier but he had only read it that sunny Monday morning after he'd spilled coffee on his crisp white shirt and discovered that his wife had taken all his other shirts to the cleaner. He knew there were a couple shirts still stored in that big walk in closet of a room that had once been a nursery for the twins several years ago and had become a “junk” room of things they'd get around to using, unpacking, or donating on one of their less busy days. He'd pushed by his wife's league golf clubs and the stacks of cookbooks that sat collecting dust so they sat as flush to the wall as possible. He smiled then laughed to himself at the hundreds of photos of the life he and Stephanie had built, spread out, the scrapbooking materials that had been casually tossed about the pool table that was more a counter than a place to relax and unwind ,the man-cave they finally decided to turn it into when both of their new promotions allowed them to put on a sizable addition for the twins to each have their own rooms. He smiled to himself when he remembered how they knew right from the start that their identical twin girls had very opposing personalities.

The pregnancy had been a difficult one for Stephanie. They hadn't planned for it to happen so soon after they got married as both were trying to work their way up in their respective careers. Still, when she told him he was going to be a father he'd grinned with excitement and pride. Then he held her as she cried that she wasn't sure she was ready for this or not. She'd been an only child and hadn't had cousins around to play with growing up. Instead of babysitting for extra money as a teenager, she delivered newspapers. He reassured her that once the baby was born she'd know what to do and her feelings would come naturally. That seemed to calm her for a few weeks till the ten week appointment when the Dr. put the doppler on her belly and not one but two heartbeats were heard. They'd done an ultrasound just to be certain and when she saw those two little blips she started crying again. Jay had to admit to himself he was a bit taken aback as well but when he stared at those two beating blips he felt a love he'd never felt before. He'd heard that there was no love like the love a parent has for a child. He also knew that the love often came at different times in the whole pregnancy process. Again, he reassured her she was going to do great. This time, though, she looked at him blankly as if he was crazy. Visions of being stuck at home with screaming, crying, tiny humans that couldn't talk or tell her what they needed were playing in her mind and nothing Jay said could push those thoughts out. Her thoughts raced to the publishing house she'd only just started at and how lucky she'd been to secure the lone opening they had. They weren't going to be happy about this. Who knew how long she'd have to wait before another amazing opportunity would appear? She'd wanted a baby. A Baby. Not Babies. And not this soon. Eventually. They both walked out of the Dr's office, each in their own thoughts as to what this would mean for both of them. He knew this was going to affect her life in a way it wouldn't affect his. Her fear and apprehension was written all over her. As he looked at her tear streaked face he felt sorry for her. He knew this wasn't her plan. It wasn't his, either, but he couldn't help but be excited. His visions were far different than hers and included playing lots of sports and maybe even music lessons someday. But it was his job to support her with everything he had now. She deserved that from him. She'd always stood by his side since the day they met early in their college careers. She'd always been there for him in every situation. He knew he didn't deserve her. Not her support or love.

After his betrayal almost two decades before, he'd spent every waking minute since those last three months of his college career trying, without being obvious, to make it up to her. She'd been nothing but good to him and it killed him to know what he'd let happen all those years ago would devastate her, especially when she'd practically predicted it happening right from the start. Still, he couldn't let her know she was right.

He practically tripped over the stack of old cassette tapes he hadn't had the heart to get rid of as he stumbled his way to the cool metal rack that held on it's arm a full length of old bridesmaid's dresses, two tuxedos and a kilt from a friend's wedding they'd both been told by bride or groom that they could “easily” find somewhere to wear those things again. Old jeans that Stephanie could no longer wrench herself into but still hung onto along with the hope that her latest fad diet would work. He finally reached the end and found his old “interview shirt” with tie draped over the hanger at the end. He hadn't worn it since he made the rounds after college graduation trying to secure a job in a market headed for the biggest recession in memory some would call it the New Depression.

As he glanced at the clock on the wall, he knew he needed to hurry to make it in time for his first appointment at his legal practice. He whipped off his tie and quickly unbuttoned his shirt. Still walking as he raised his arms up over his head he forgot about the stack of cassette tapes. He plowed through them like a bull in a china shop, tripping over his own feet and falling with absolutely no grace, scattering the tapes in all directions.

He hit the floor with a loud “doh!” worthy of Homer Simpson and crashed into a leg of the billiards table. Shaking it off, he started to rise when he realized that one of the tapes had made the long trek across the floor to land halfway under the pool table. He knew he was running short on time but the perfectionist in him couldn't leave that lone tape under the only neat, rectangular, clean,spot in the room especially when even Stephanie didn't realize that after she'd placed the stack haphazardly in the mancave, he'd gone back that night and rearranged the tapes in a neat straight line.

He stretched himself beneath the table and reached the smooth plastic case with his fingertips. Sliding a little further under, he almost had a grip on it when he saw a hint of white hanging down from the inside edge of the table. Sliding out from under the table he stood and walked to the other side and crouched down running his hand along the sleek underside until his hands came to a spot near the middle pocket where a lump could be felt secured with tape. With a gentle tug, down came almost two decades of secrets, skeletons and the enveloped letter sitting next to him in the passenger seat now. Along with it, the breathtaking realization...she knew.