Meltdowns, Melancholy, Mental Illness, Mania and it's Flip Side

Having a bad day....So bad that I just typed half a page and my pinky hit THAT button, THAT vengeful, hateful, spiteful key that I can never identify which erases all I've written and by the time I realize that I've made the mistake I've made another keystroke that prohibits the whole "Undo" icon process.
So now, to add to the drama of the day I'm mad at an inanimate object.
Earlier today I was on Cloud Nine, typing away on my laptop, excited to be writing something for some friends of mine (that they never asked me to do) that I hoped would help change some lives. These folks have been so good to me for a few years now, I thought maybe my words could make a positive difference at this juncture in their lives.  They so deserve to have some more blessings tossed their way after fighting CML (a form of leukemia) for years and hoping year after year to have a baby. I got all big-headed and realized that I didn't just want them to be blessed, I wanted them to be blessed because of something I did. See, me and God have had a unique relationship. I tell him what I want and He either loves me and gives it to me, doesn't love me and refuses my request, looks down on me and says "Meh. Next please." This time, though, I was certain He would be so impressed with how much energy and thought I put into it, even praying over it, that He'd bind it up with a gold ribbon and hand it over to all the good people waiting to be blessings to this couple.
Then I read someone else's blog whose topic was similar as my essay and hers was...better. So much better I almost ran out and bought the gold ribbon myself as a gift for her.
And then....
From the next room, a commercial (one of those extended ones that make you think they're an actual program) for Cancer Treatment Centers of America came on. All at once I was spiraled back to that time when I arranged for Carri to go check them out. She really only went to humor me. She really felt that she had all the same amenities in her hometown, just in several locations versus one. Because she was so smart I went along with her even though inside I was screaming "Please! Look at their statistics! Give it a try! Do it for me! Please, please, please!" (I did a lot of internal screaming back then. That might be why I turned into even more of a basket case than I started out as.)
Hearing the commercial, the deeply moving voices, stilled my fingers on the laptop. All of a sudden, for the first time in four years I felt something deep in my belly. I couldn't really identify it. Whatever it was, the lid was trying to come off and something was trying to come up. I began to be afraid. What was this? Oh, God, Oh Father, Oh Lord, please save me I think I'm dying! (It was at this point my husband looked up from his video game and ran to my side begging me to tell him what was wrong but I couldn't speak now.) A gasp escaped all on its own. Oh, no! What was happening to me? I'm on new medication. Could it be an allergic reaction? I couldn't even hear the commercial anymore. Ian's mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. Another gasp, this one more forceful followed by a sound my vocal chords have never made-a guttural wail that lasted about twenty seconds which terrified my husband and kids. Thankfully, daddy ushered the kids to their play area and turned up the tv and closed the door before repeatedly asking "Will you tell me what's wrong now? Tanya! Snap out of it and answer me! What's wrong?!"
"I....can't....talk....I....can't...I.... can't...do...this"
"Do what? What can't you do?"
"I...can't...let...it...out....it's...going...to....hurt....so...much!" Another wail.
"Please stop, baby. Please. What brought this on? I thought you were fine."
That's one of the problems, I guess. I've gotten very good at being "fine."
All of a sudden, I heard a voice in my head I haven't heard since the middle of the night phone call telling me that Carri died. "She's gone." I took it really well back then. I barely cried. I was just glad she was free of the pain.
Oh, God! She's gone! She's gone! (Mind you, this is years after the fact, 3 years
 to be precise.) I can't breathe! She's gone! We'll never see her again. Oh, how I want a trip out west just to stand  in the air she used to breathe, just to be near her friends, just to visit her favorite haunts and hikes and hot springs and try all those new crazy things that no one else ever got me to try.
The wails kept coming, the lid was blown, along with my cover of being just "fine".  Here's something funny: with all of my loyalty and love for her I've been accused of being in-love with her. Yesterday, I found a card from her that said "I don't know what makes this long distance love affair of ours last but I sure am glad that it has." We were best friends. We were blessed. And now I'm here and she's not. And I don't know how to put the lid back on. Do I talk about her to my new friends to keep her memory alive? Do I keep the memories to myself so as not to hurt my new friends?
So, it was GRIEF that exploded from the depths of my belly. It didn't kill me. It. Did. Not. Kill. Me. It did hurt like crazy but once it left my body I felt lighter than I have in a long time.
Now for the crazy part. In case you hadn't picked up on it: I'm bipolar and my meds are being adjusted. So far so good. I only sleep about three hours a night but my living room and kitchen have never been cleaner. My kids are happy they have a mom who doesn't go to sleep at 7 o'clock pm anymore. I'm even getting creative with food menus.
Well, I've stopped crying now so I think this catharsis has done it's job.
May all of you be well in every aspect of your lives. You are loved!